Need advice..Major re edit.

Age : 32 Joined : 06 Jun 2007 Posts : 419

Alright, I've been going back to NA. It turns out a friend of mine that I had a HUGE crush on that I lost touch with went through a little more problems with her addiction and has come back to NA as well. She came back about a month before I did. Well, we exchanged phone numbers on tuesday and we went to the meeting together tonight. I don't know if she sees me as just a friend or not but I'm just going to let things go as they may. I like this girl alot. It's so weird too because I've been praying to GOD that if he thought I was ready to send someone into my life for companionship. It's been awhile since I've had a gf or was actually interested in a girl. The last major relationship I had was with my daughters mother and that ended up being a disaster. My friend told me that she would pick me up tommorrrow and possible go out after the meeting tommorrow if I don't get my daughter. This might sound funny but forming a relationship that isn't based on drugs,sex or both is something completely new to me. This girl is so sweet and has a great sense of humor(or at least I seem to make her laugh and smile) and I don't wanna mess this up by saying anything stupid. I don't wanna mess it up by rushing into anything either. I'm just going to keep praying for guidance from the lord on this one. Sorry about the typos and mistakes. It's late and my ambien is kicking in! Thanks for reading this! Any prayers and advice are appreciated! God Bless!

Matt

Subject: Re: Need advice..Major re edit. Sun Jul 29, 2007 10:03 am

OK Matt, I'm just going to come out and say what most in recovery will say and many 12 step programs insist on:

No dating for 6 months to a year. Especially if both are new or recently returned to AA/NA, etc.

Getting and staying sober is more important and relationships being what they are, I would say to take it very sloooooooW and not wonder all the time in too hyper of fashion... "is this it? is this THE ONE??" Enjoy the time you spend with her but keep your emotions under control and your plan for sobriety in front of your face and mind at all times.
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only symbols can be twisted ,burned,spat on etc.NOTHING truly Holy can be desecrated.....

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Age : 40 Joined : 17 Jul 2007 Posts : 2952

Sounds like you are already doing the right thing bro! Keep going slow and just take it day by day. If it's going to happen it will and if it isn't the signs will be there.

Subject: Re: Need advice..Major re edit. Sun Jul 29, 2007 10:59 am

Age : 40 Joined : 17 Jul 2007 Posts : 2952

I didn't mean anything bad with my 'absurd' remark. It just sounds silly that's all. Dating can be a very positive thing for someone overcoming an addiction.

I have been to several AA meetings in my time but to be 100% honest listening to people talk about how miserable they are and talk about drinking for hours only made me want to drink. I had to distance myself from the program. I never heard anyone say anything against dating though.

The things that helped me quit drinking was the threat of imminent death (I was hospitalized with blood alcohol poisoning and liver problems) and then attending church services and just hanging out with sober people. I suppose different approaches work for different people but the traditional AA program was not my way out at all. Although I dislike most organized churches now they certainly gave me a more positive outlook than AA did.
AA also basically told me that I would drink again. I didn't need to hear that. The "once an addict always an addict" is BS!
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"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."

Age : 32 Joined : 06 Jun 2007 Posts : 419

Thanks Angel and empyreal. I appreciate the advice. Some ppl say wait six months, a year, two years....whatever. All I know is if I do need a ride tonight to the meeting she offered me one. I can't drive due to the surgeries I had in may on my right hip. I may have to have more surgery as well because for some reason it looks like the pin and rod is coming loose. Enough about that though. Right now it's just nice to see her back and clean. I actually prayed alot for her while she was back out using. My sponsor, who I've known since highschool, told me just take it slow. If something happens and me and her want to date then as long as we keep our recovery seperate and not try to sponsor each other than to go for it. I'm just going to keep taking it slow. I like the fact that I'm actually forming a friendship with her right now instead of just waking up next to her with a hangover going...."and your name was what again?" Laughing

Theres just something about this girl. I'm really picky about who I date. She's got a great laugh, beautiful smile, awesome eyes and she's just really pretty. I'd say she kinda looks like a shorter, younger Shannon Tweed without the make up and boob job(and the annoying six foot creep hanging on her...I mean Gene $immon$... Razz

) Anyway,thanks for the advice. It's just nice to have her as a friend and know that she considers me as a friend too. It's so cool to have respect for a girl rather than looking at her as sex on two legs!

Subject: Re: Need advice..Major re edit. Sun Jul 29, 2007 12:02 pm

Subject: Re: Need advice..Major re edit. Sun Jul 29, 2007 12:05 pm

Age : 40 Joined : 17 Jul 2007 Posts : 2952

Agreed.
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"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not."

Age : 32 Joined : 06 Jun 2007 Posts : 419

Play it LOUD!! Age : 51 Joined : 06 Jan 2007 Posts : 11665

Two things Matt, off the top of my head. Twisted Evil

First off......I think some good advice has come your way, so far. Twisted Evil

Second, your last post above, I think you've got the right idea. Twisted Evil

Don't think romantically. At all. Neither of you. You both need to *get your heads on straight* and deal with the addiction issues first. Just talk to her about the whole friendship/romance thing (if you've the need to......in the future). Twisted Evil

Matt......establish a friendship. Now. First. Be there for her to talk to......be there to help her when she needs it. Be a friend. O.K?? Twisted Evil

Dude......any good and lasting and loving romantic relationship will work best among two friends and two companions. To me friendship is very, very much a form of relationship. I've known (more than one) peeps that think that the word "relationship" is only about romance. No.....no, IMO. By definition a friendship is a relationship. It is an active, living, vibrant, exciting, mutually satisfying thing for both people in it. And Matt.....that deep and pleasing (to the 2 people in it and to GOD) friendship is a vital and important foundation to build a marriage on......and future companionship and love. Twisted Evil

So Matt......for now......be a good friend. Romance may come later. Smile

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"The 'farce' is strong with Obama-Wan." words of Scourge.

One of the twins: I'm the one who likes it all....

Age : 32 Joined : 06 Jun 2007 Posts : 419

Well, last night we were going to go to the sunday night NA meeting together. I can't drive and she offered to pick me up. I was supposed to get my daughter but "mommy dearest" never called me back so I ended up missing the meeting. I think my daughters mother has ESP as to the fact that I'm interested in another girl that might actually be nice to me or something. I'm going to give my friend a call in a bit here though and see if she's going to the meeting tonight. I need a meeting bad. I might need more surgery and I'm waiting on the dr to give me a call back regarding x rays that were taken on friday.

Man in Morph Age : 40 Joined : 08 Apr 2007 Posts : 8523

Sorry your daughters mom is being such a butt. Is there any way to work that out so it's not such a problem?
Take the relationship slooooooooooow. Think about how much baggage you guys are bringing into a relationship. It would probably be healthier if you guys had some personal things worked out before going to far into this.
We are rooting for you dude. I know it's tough.

Play it LOUD!! Age : 51 Joined : 06 Jan 2007 Posts : 11665

Etomb said:

Joined : 06 Apr 2007 Posts : 1063

Matt - good to hear how things are going bro. You are being lifted up to our Lord! Remember that!

On the relationship side - if it's going to work out - then it doesn't matter if its now or a year from now. Have patience - and the relationship and your sobriety will be all the better for it.
Smile

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FretlessBassist
SL on CD Baby

Age : 32 Joined : 06 Jun 2007 Posts : 419

Well, this is a first for me. We've been talking everyday on the phone and it's going good. Right now I'm just trying to let things go and form a really good strong friendship first with a girl! That for me is amazing! I think at one point me and Gene Simmons had a little competition going. Twisted Evil

We talk everyday and for some reason she actually wants to hang out wtih me:P . I'm just kinda in a la la mood because this is the first girl I've been interested for a long time.

Age : 20 Joined : 21 Jul 2007 Posts : 2022

Play it LOUD!! Age : 51 Joined : 06 Jan 2007 Posts : 11665

First I went........ Shocked

Then I went....... lol!

_________________
"The 'farce' is strong with Obama-Wan." words of Scourge.

One of the twins: I'm the one who likes it all....