Alrighty...I hope this is not too weird to share here.

I figure it might be okay since I've been posting with some of you for over a decade now and we've shared alot of the stuff of life. I'll try to keep it as kosher as I can, considering most of the regs are (and always have been) male.

So...I've had the mindset for what seems like forever now that I have no real interest in having a serious relationship. I've watched people get really out of hand with that, be it willing to throw away all your convictions and sanity to secure one, as well as abandon your friends and family, even kill for one. I am not in what seems to be the majority of people who think they have no worth and nothing to propp upp their esteem if they do not have a significant other. I personally do not expect God to bless approaching it that way. Everything is to be done decently and in order. To me, otherwise, that is just plain idolatry.

This is not to say I don't believe anyone can be in a healthy functioning relationship; (even ones that started out kind of badd) on the contrary, I see examples of such and I'm grateful for those examples.

That is also not to say that I don't like men. I actually have grown to like and respect them all the more the longer I live.

I guess it's just that I'm determined not to lose my mind should I happen to lose my heart.

Between the above mindset being firmly entrenched and having experienced 2 serious sexual assaults (plus a myriad of other garbage along those lines...*all* of which has warped me pretty baddly ) I had basically decided that part of my life was just ....over. I already have a child and it seemed to me that if something serious were supposed to happen, it would've already happened by now. I figured you can't miss or mourn for something you're not even capable of having/dealing with. So...out to pasture for me.

Well ...it seems the Father has other plans. Between listening to me rant and tell Him for years what I was *not* going to do, He showed me, through a variety of circumstances and His gentle pragmatic reasoning that a. I am not dead/beyond hope in this area (like Lazarus in the avatar) and b. I basically have no right to tell Him what will or won't happen since He purchased me and I am not my own. Pwnd!!

So, after much resistance, I started therapy a few weeks ago at a place here that specializes in treating sexual assault/abuse. I'm taking a fearless and thorough inventory of myself (as they say in the 12 stepps..I think...) and I'm determined to get the most out of it/get over it. On the flippside, the scars and memories and the defense mechanisms aren't dissappearing as soon as I'd like them to, obviously and it is a matter of stepps forward and then stepps back. I hate it. The process is what it's about and that process sometimes pisses me off.

But, I'm making myself follow through on things like:

Let's say there is a class/lecture/demo/seminar on something I'm REALLY interested in. I'll get all excited, tell folks I'm going and when the day comes, I'll sabotage it and not go...because there will be people there I don't know. I'll tell myself it doesn't matter anyway and try to put aside that I'm not really living my life. I've followed through on two of those things recently, so that is good....at least a start of some change....even if I have to force it a little.

Anyway...I'm not trying to overshare or share inapropriately, just maybe to stopp hiding this stuff and ask for some prayer cover.

Thanks

Not weird at all. I'll be praying for you.

I will certainly pray that God will bring healing in this area of you life, wich I'm sure is His desire!

I wonder about my own future in this area, I've so ruined my own sexuality through decades of poor choices and flat out rebellion, I wonder if I can ever be in a "healthy relationship." It's been hard letting go of the woman I've been involved with on and off for so long, but at the core it was a sinful relationship so I had to cut it off. I don't believe in much of what is called "repressed memories", but I do wonder what happened to me early on. At some point in my childhood I went from being happy, energetic and outgoing to withdrawn, lathargic and put on considerable weight when at one time I was so skinny my parents took me to the doctors.

Nice request AA.......praying about this.

Thanks for sharing that, it's encouraging. I'll pray.

I will be praying for you as well!

Don't give up! I've been single since 95' and thought maybe I was being punished for my bad choices in life.

Well, recently GOD brought somebody back into my life whom I had not seen in over 20 years.

Suffice to say now we are in a great relationship, it has been over two months and everyday just keeps getting better.

We have had some bumps in the road but we are always able to work it out.

Don't give up!

Thank you VERY much gents!!

I hope it is understandable it is somewhat difficult and yet very meaningful/healing to be sharing this long struggle I have with those of the xy chromosome.

I've needed my sisters to be sure but I really need my brothers to stand with me as well.

Just...thank you.

Not all of us with the XY combination are utter dirtbags...

Quite a few, I'll grant you, even a majority, but not all...

Hey Angel, I have spent alot of time talking......and sometimes even yelling at God lately and I can tell I have also prayed for you. You have been here for a bunch of people who has had need of prayer in the past, me included and I hope you know in your time of need people are praying for you.

Nothing you wrote is even remotely weird.

Thank you so much for that sir ^

I also be praying for you AA>

Thanks!

I got kicked out of therapy

According to them, I'm a better therapist to myself than they can be. Hmmm...

They said I was past the traumatized state and past the survivor state moving into the thriving state and that particular place does not offer services beyond group for where I'm at. Whatever. Not sure what the next stepp is.

The therapist encouraged me to get a full physical health check up, both because it hadn't been done for awhile and my age. I wasn't into at first but I'm gladd I did it.

I just want to thank God all my tests came back with good results: blood sugar, cholesterol, liver function, thyroid...all good. I need to lose some weight but nothing drastic.

Tomorrow between 11am and 1:30 pm I take the last test (I hope!!) To be honest, I am more freaked out by the mammogram than the lump the doctor found

Just the thought of it is terrifying me..even though I've spoken to some ladies who've had them and have some tipps how to stay cool and get through it.

What's nice is, *IF* any kind of treatment is needed, it's covered.

Prayer is appreciated.